I am writing this in the hope that it will encourage you who are, or have survived a situation similar to myself and like a butterfly emerging from dark sleep emerge with beautiful wings to fly to wherever you wish.

 

I arrived at the Riverland Women’s Shelter and the staff were wonderful. I learnt many new skills but I wasn’t ready to break free of the abusive partner. I believed he would change but after going back four times the only things that changed were the tactics he used to control me. I had endured many violent acts and emotional abuse for six years. He sexually abused my daughter by a previous marriage while I was in hospital giving birth to his children.

 

I left on the fourth attempt knowing that it was necessary for me to cut all contact with him before I could finally break free and also those who supported him. We belonged to a fundamentalist Christian group who applied a lot of pressure on me to remain in the marriage. I entered the shelter again with my five daughters aged 18 months to 11 years, an old car and a garbage bag full of our belongings with only the shelter workers and my parents for support.

 

Those first few months were difficult. I tried to support my daughter through her sexual abuse issues and settle the others into schools, kindy’s and day care. I tried to be the best parent I could and that is difficult when you are hurting yourself.

 

Once we were all settled in a shelter house I enrolled for a course at TAFE, just short courses to begin with. I knew it was extra pressure but I wanted to prove to MYSELF that I could do everything he said I couldn’t. I decided then that my way of making sense of what I had been through was to use my experience to support others. I began with a TAFE certificate in Community Services and the encouragement I received from my parents, support workers and lecturers, even though I didn’t believe in my capabilities myself they did.

 

I finished at TAFE and did small training workshops when I could. Three years later a friend encouraged me to do a Bachelor of Arts, the girls were still at the age they needed a lot of attention but even so I enrolled (you don’t have to pay fees until your earning over a certain income). I was amazed when I was accepted!

 

 

I only attempted one or two subjects at a time and the first two years of my University work were a disaster while we endured counselling, court cases and the imprisonment of their father for the sexual abuse. But we got through and it took seven years but this year I graduated. I have also completed a Counselling Diploma and a Diploma in Alcohol and Other Drugs Work. I am finally beginning to believe in myself.

 

My girls are all grown and I have seven grandchildren and now it’s my time. I surround myself with objects and smells that I love. I wear what I want, I read what I want, I go where I want, and talk to whomever I please. I attend any meetings I want and don’t eat what I don’t want. I have a husband who understands that my freedom is not his to give. My daughters are all strong, some chose an education and a career some chose the most difficult career of motherhood. All these years I have looked forward to the day I could begin to put what I have learnt into action. That day has finally arrived, twelve years after setting my goal.

 

If you are struggling to survive in an abusive relationship and feel that no one understands why you stay, I do. If you believe you want to do something other than survive from day to day there is hope, I know. If you have made the very brave and difficult decision to leave and feel so alone with children to raise alone, it’s not forever. If you set a goal now to slowly work toward for the future I know you can do it because I did. I am not braver or smarter or more confident than you, I am the same as you, you CAN do it. The goal posts may change as you grow and directions change but as you do take care of yourself and know how incredibly brave you are and the time will come that your wings will sprout and with the experience you have you can do anything you want and model that to your children. 

 

Janine Hartley   BArts (Politics & Policy), Dip Prof Counselling, Dip AOD, Cert IV Community Services.