Sometimes it can be distressing and frustrating if you have a friend or relative who you know is in a domestic violence relationship. You want to help her, but she keeps putting up with the abuse, making excuses for him. If she finally does leave, you’re happy, but then she goes back to him and you can’t understand why. She doesn’t seem to listen to you or do what you think is right for her. It’s really frustrating you and you feel like you don’t want to help her anymore. You want to tell her that you’ve had enough.

Your response to her situation is really important. If she feels supported and encouraged, she may feel stronger and more able to make decisions. If she feels judged or criticized, she could be afraid to tell anyone else about the abuse.

It can be hard for someone to understand why someone would stay with their partner who is abusive, and from the outside it may seem easier to leave then it actually is.

There are lots of reasons why women feel they can’t leave. Some of them include:

• He’s made threats to kill himself if she leaves and she feels guilty
• He’s made threats to hurt her, the kids or her family if she leaves
• He says that she’s an unfit mother and he’ll make sure she doesn’t get the kids.
• She has low self esteem from all the putdowns
• She still loves him, he’s not abusive all the time
• She doesn’t think anyone will believe her because he seems like such a nice guy to everyone else
• She doesn’t have any family or friends to help her because he’s isolated her from them all
• She doesn’t have any money

The most important thing you can do is to listen without judging, respect her decisions, and help her to find ways to become stronger and safer.

Questions you could ask and things you could say:
These are just some ideas. It is important that you only say what you believe, and use your own words.

• 'The way he treats you is wrong'.
• 'What can I do to help you?'
• 'How do you think his behaviour has affected you?'
•  'How do you think his behaviour is affecting your children?'
• 'I'm worried about what he could do to you or the children.'
• 'What do you think you should do?'
• 'What are you afraid of if you leave?'
• 'What are you afraid of if you stay?'
  

What not to do … 

•  Don't blame her for the abuse or ask questions like 'what did you do for him to treat you like that?' or 'why do you put up with it?', or 'how can you still be in love with him?' These questions suggest that it is somehow her fault.
• Don't criticise her partner. Criticise the abusive behaviour and let her know that no-one has the right to abuse her (for example, say 'your partner shouldn't treat you like that'). Criticism of her partner is only likely to make her want to defend him or her.
• Don't give advice, or tell her what you would do. This will only reduce her confidence to make her own decisions. Listen to her and give her information, not advice.
• Don't pressure her to leave or try to make decisions on her behalf. Focus on listening and supporting her to make her own decisions. She knows her own situation best.